Resolution is a Terrifying Word

2018 kinda sucked for me (for everyone? When was the last time we had a decent year? Wait, really?? Never? That long? Hmm, weird).

I can’t put my finger on why or how and that is slightly distressing to me. The fact that I tried to do a sober month twice and failed both times? (To be honest, I got really close in January and August was just a poor timed decision, what with it technically still being my life) How about the time I just couldn’t get out of bed? (Okay you caught me, it wasn’t just one time. But my bed is just so comfortable and life is just so not) What about the gingerbread house that I spent days on that crashed and burned (for once, not literally burned) on the way to the competition and I didn’t even get a finished photo of because I’m a terrible millenial. Or maybe the fact that I spent more than half the year in physical therapy for my fractured spine (that has in turn become my excuse to not workout, but it’s healed now (ish) so I guess I’m just super lazy) Because I’m super lazy!? (It’s probably mostly this one)

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In hindsight, none of these things seem bad, they’re just a bit dumb and probably the roots of my depression.

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Truthfully, I did some pretty sweet things last year (I say this as though it wasn’t four days ago). In order of appearance: I started dating a pretty sweet dude (who hates when I refer to him as “dude”, but loves White Russians as much as I do). I went on the best vacation of my entire life with my best friend/actual life partner (Rose, duh) in Vietnam. Previously mentioned boyfriend and I rescued three kittens from an unsafe home and brought them into our very safe homes (George is still unsure of this move being positive or negative). I had a kickass year at work and feel like I’m making a real difference in our design and brand. I was (commissioned? drafted? volunteered?) to design and paint a 20' by 40' backdrop and it was exhilarating and exhausting. I hosted my first-ever thanksgiving where we ate food, played games, and had almost 1 pie per person (which I think was the most successful part). I tried to spend as much time with my family as I could, but most of that was digital so thank fuck for FaceTime. Oh—I turned 28! Still on the fence about whether this is good, but there only seems to be one direction to float in, so float I will. And lastly, Rose and I made a crazy decision and decided to launch this blog (and then promptly took a three month break, but look, we’re tired and we work a lot. And other stuff). So, yes, looking back, those things all sound good and successful.

But I didn’t really set a plan for myself. I just went barreling in (as per my style, please note the broken spine in the previous paragraph). And if there is anything true about me (other than all of this), it’s that I fucking love lists. So why didn’t I list some cool things I wanted to complete? Something I could look to at the end of the year to determine if it was, in fact, successful (most people refer to this list as their “resolutions”). Laziness? Probably.

The term “resolution” freaks me out. It’s so serious. I am not serious, I’m not even ser. Resolution is defined as “a firm decision to do or not to do something” and “the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter”. I am not one to a. make a firm decision or 2. solve problems. Usually I just let problems fester, make a joke to break tension, or avoid the situation altogether. I’m what you’d call a non-confrontational person. So far that has been totally been working out for me (especially when I d. get to quote a Christmas movie after Christmas. Mostly I live my life trying to make the whole year a Christmas movie) See that there? Ah, yes, a cleverly placed joke to distract the audience.

ANYWAY, obviously I’m lying and that it isn’t quite working out for me like the Christmas movie I have planned in my head (I visit a small town because I’m told I need a break from my big Wall Street job—I work too hard and always put my career first—I meet a plaid-wearing too-handsome-to-be-from-this-small-town man, his name is probably Jake or Dan, single syllable only. He rescues canaries from the coal mine and also donates all his time to the community soup kitchen. There is a Christmas tree lighting. I resist love at first, headstrong etc., but give in with the first snow. I decide to throw my career to the wind and become a butter maker. Zach and I live happily ever after. There is also a dog.) Okay sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of hallmark.

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Back to the scary word: resolution. It sounds like if I don’t finish what I planned by the end of the year, some board of directors will come and tell me that they’re sorry, but it’s just not working out. And then GREAT I’m out of a life...

Wait, could this really happen? Sign me up, where do I find a personal board of directors?! just kidding (...kind of).

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So basically what I’m trying to say here is: I made a list. I’m not calling it by the-word-that-shall-not-be-named, I’m calling it a freaking list. Shit that I want to try to achieve this year. And achieve in the least sense of the word achieve. These are not SMART goals and they never will be. Please google if you must, I’ll wait.

I’m done waiting and my list is done too. Here it goes:

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Erin’s 2019 … List

• Read more (a book a month at least, or less whatever just read)

• Get healthy and exercise again (go to the gym, fatty—only I am allowed to call myself this, to everyone else, thicc will suffice. Thank you.)

• Cook more (see above)

• Create more (I don’t know what to put here, but I had to follow the format... you do you—me do me? It’s unclear)

• Blog more consistently (I pay for hosting a blog, so I should freaking use it)

And for something I could actually literally check off a list (hello, the only smartish goal),

• Learn to snowboard (maybe? gentle reminder to myself of previous broken spine, but also, what are goals for, if not to scare the living daylights out of you?)

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It is so nice to you again, I promise I won’t leave you unattended for so long ever again. xx, Erin